Death in the Workplace
by Birai
Summary: Dinosaurs are bigger with the skin on. A Shortpacked! fanfiction, as well as some of the other comics on the site.
1. Math

**A/N: Trying something a bit new for me with this. Rated T for your mom. I mean, Mike. I mean, swearing.**

The Tyrannosaurus Rex's roar echoed from building to building, shattering glass and shaking the very foundations of the city. It curled its claws menacingly, gouging a furrow in the asphalt that spewed grimy black dust into the air.

Mike crossed his arms at it. "This looks fun."

"You can't be serious!" Amber asked incredulously.

"Do I look serious?"

"Honestly? I can't tell."

"Then shut up." He started to run for the dinosaur, but Amber grabbed his arm.

"You _can't-"_

"And you can?"

Amber bit her lip. "You'd better not die."

"Don't count on it."

Mike sprinted forward and climbed up the T-rex's leg, narrowly dodging its wildly swinging tail. The T-rex leaned down deftly and snapped at him, catching him between its jaws. For a second it shook its head crazily, disorienting itself more than Mike, until Mike pulled out the longest tooth he could find that wasn't halfway into his ribs and dug it squarely in the dinosaur's eye. The dinosaur froze, shuddering suddenly, and Amber took a step back. Part of her wanted to help, to kick the dinosaur, throw something, _do_ something, but the rest of her knew that Mike was really on his own.

She wouldn't have worried as much if there was a little less blood coming out of her boyfriend.

With a high-pitched keen, the dinosaur flopped to the ground, and Amber ran to Mike, prying ineffectually at the huge jaws. Wincing slightly, Mike pushed them open and glanced over at Amber. "You still here?" he mumbled.

"Oh God, Mike..." She stared in shock at the gaping holes in Mike's shirt that were quickly being filled with blood. Mike followed her gaze.

"Well, fuck. I liked this shirt."

"Don't go, please, just-" Amber sobbed, and Mike closed his eyes slowly. Amber stared in silence, tears streaming down her face. "No... NOOOOOOOOOOOO-"

"Dammit, I'm trying to die here!"

"Sorry."


	2. Aftermath

After considerable paperwork, funeral arrangements were made. Not even an hour after Mike's death, Jason had appeared and insisted that Mike's body was government property; they'd have to host the funeral without it. His will had been found under a box of staples in the broom closet of Shortpacked!, labeled "Remove in case of Mike's death". (Everyone had thought it was a joke until then.) The will was simple, promising Amber the contents of the hidden liquor cabinet and leaving a few instructions as to how the funeral was to be carried out. The only refreshments which would be supplied were strawberry-flavored marshmallows. Faz was to be denied admission, unless he agreed to eat twelve marshmallows in one bite. Mike also enclosed his own eulogy, but since it only consisted of two sentences ("Why are you all standing here? It's not like he cares."), Robin was forced to rewrite it.

"If you're at this guy's funeral, then you probably know at least something about Mike, even if you don't know everything..."

It was horribly hot outside, and everyone was sweating in their heavy clothes. It felt almost like Mike's last insult, the proverbial middle-finger from beyond the grave. _Not only am I going to die, but I'm also going to make you sit outside for an hour or two in completely black clothing. Hope you ****ing enjoy the marshmallows._

"One think you can say about him was that he was honest. He never lied to make you feel good, and he didn't usually _need_ to lie to make you feel bad."

Amber scrunched at her dress, unable to look at the casket. She'd seen Mike go up against horrible odds before, and it still wasn't sinking in that he was actually dead.

"He may not have been the nicest person in the world- hell, he'd prob'ly be the first to say that he's the worst. If he was alive, y'know." Robin frowned. "No, wait, crap, that came out wrong."

Amber could almost hear Ethan smacking himself in the forehead a row back. "Robin..."

"Do-over? At least we're not on television."

"Robin, are you making this up as you go?"

"Lemme just look under this podium thingy, I swear I put those notes somewhere!"

Needless to say, it was a fiasco. Ambulances showed up half an hour through to cart off Faz, Robin had to get most of the audience to help her look for her notes, and somebody knocked over the coffin, prompting questions as to why Mike wasn't attending his own funeral.

After most of the guests were gone, Amber was left standing between the folding chairs and helping Ethan and Robin clean. Or, more accurately, following Robin around while Ethan cleaned.

"It's just... How can you _be_ like this?"

"I'm always like this!"

"Mike just _died_, and you practically looked like you were laughing at that podium."

Robin grinned enigmatically. "Let's just say I ain't got much to be sad about."

Amber sobbed, running to her car. "Robin, you're horrible!"

Robin sprinted to the passenger side, hopping in the car as it was driving away. "Aww, Amber, don't be like that!"

"Hey! Get back here! Who's going to help me pick up all these chairs?"

"The great Faz will do so in return for information as to his beloved Amber."

"Aren't you busy choking on something?"


	3. Way after math

_The following Monday..._

"Maternity leave?" Galasso asked incredulously.

"Yah, I know it's short notice," Robin said sheepishly. "I only just found out."

"Very well. But know that upon your return, you will be granted no special treatment!"

"Sure."

Robin almost made it out the door, but forgot that Amber was strategically placed to block it. "What's going on?" she asked suspiciously.

"Whatcha mean?" Robin replied with an innocent stare, edging towards the door.

"I mean you're dating Leslie, and either you're not being straight with everyone or you're _definitely_ being straight with someone."

"Oh, uh... She's a hermaphrodite!"

"Nope, I've seen those panties."

"Shoot. Artificial insemination?"

"Believe it or not, you can't get those at Wal-mart."

"Virgin birth!"

"_Robin_!"

"Okay, okay!" Robin put a hand on Amber's shoulder. "Remember when we first met?"

"Not really, I don't think I actually looked at you."

"But you looked at the application, right?"

"Yeah, so?"

"And you remember what was on it?"

"You didn't _put_ anything on your application!"

"Oh, how time dulls the memory," Robin sighed theatrically. "The point is, you hired me anyway. So I'm asking you to do it again."

"...what?"

"Y'know what, this metaphor sucks. Basically, trust me. I'm gonna go take my maternity leave now. Seeya in nine months, I'll let you autograph the baby!"

"I don't know what's scarier," Ethan commented, setting down the newest shipment of Bakugan on the counter. "The fact that she's somehow pregnant, or the fact that she's going to be a mom."


	4. Wait, what?

Over the next nine months, Amber existed in a murky stupor. There seemed to be a force field around her, warding off anyone who might try to cheer her up. Robin might have made it through, but she was off tending to the mysterious baby, which even Leslie hadn't been able to shed any light on; she was just as surprised as anyone else, and Robin had disappeared completely, leaving behind only a sticky note with a heart and her signature on the fridge.

So without Robin to distract her, Amber vented at whatever captive audience she could find.

"It was just so _sudden!"_

"Um, that's nice ma'am, but I really need you to ring these up for-"

"No, you need to get a perspective on life! Losing someone close to you does that to you, and now I can't help but wonder if I'll be the next one to die in the jaws of a rampaging tyrannosaurus rex."

"That's a very colorful metaphor."

"It's not."

"Maybe you just won't give yourself any chance to be happy; you're denying yourself and blaming it on- what was his name again?"

"Mike."

"-right, blaming it on Mike's death."

Leslie covered her face hopelessly. "I can take the next customer..."

In hopes of salvaging whatever customer service the store had left, Amber slowly migrated closer to the storeroom daily, until her main job was keeping Ultracar from extorting patrons.

Finally, she got the text message.

_Hi, it's Robin! Come see the baby._

Amber smiled slightly. "This should be interesting..." _Where?_

_Come outside and close your eyes._

_ ...aren't I supposed to __**see**__ the baby?_

_ Nooo, I want you to come out and open your eyes and BAM, there's an adorable baby!_

Amber sighed. "Faz, watch Ultracar. I'm going outside for a second."

"I, Faz, will await your return eagerly."

"You do that."

Amber clutched her arms against the sudden chill outside, pulling out her vibrating phone with a frown.

_Your eyes aren't closed!_

She closed her eyes with a heavy sigh. "Robin, if you can see me, just talk to me already, no more texting."

"Sorry, sorry. Okay, here's a pen." Amber felt something slide into her hand, and heard Robin's voice grow slightly fainter like she was talking to someone else. "C'mere, you, I told her I'd let her autograph you."

"I autographed your _mom_."

Amber's eyes snapped open, and she dropped the pen. "_Holy_ shit-"

"Hi," said Mike indifferently.

"Are ya surprised?" Robin asked gleefully.

"Holy _shit_!"

"In my defense, I'm pretty sure it wasn't legal to tell you about this until now, and I still can't explain the details," Robin continued. "Seriously though, you should see the look on your face."

"_Holy shit!_"

"Out of the door, I have some stuff to do before my shift ends," Mike grumbled.

"NO!" Amber latched onto his midsection frantically, "You're not going anywhere!"

"You do realize that I've _eaten_ things bigger than you."

"Then _I'm_ not going anywhere!"

"Fine by me, you can just sit there and lose circulation in your arms."

"You two are so cute!" Robin squealed. She followed them around as Mike dragged Amber into the store.

"How did you do it?"

"If it's your mom, all you need is a quarter."

"Not that, Mike- Robin, you have something to do with this... How is this even- Mike, stop banging me into shelves!"

"I didn't know you were chaste now."

"That's not what I- Nevermind. Mike, how are you alive?"

"Sheer force of will. Leslie, I hate your face."

_"The hell- is that Mike?"_

"I'm almost willing to believe you." Amber closed her eyes and pressed her head against Mike's lower ribs. "Robin, any hints?"

"Sorry dude, like I said, it's probably not legal for me to say."

_"Ethan, congratulations, your mom just raised her price to ten cents."_

_ "Lay off already, I bought you flowers for your... funeral... Wait, what?"_

"So you're just going to pop back into my life with no explanation?"

"Yeah, pretty much."

_THWACK!_

_ "Faz is now very aware of his sinuses..."_

"Off," Mike demanded. Amber hugged him more tightly, and he glared at her. "Off!"

"You can miss just this one day, they wouldn't fire you even if you burned the building to the ground," Amber said hopefully, careful not to mention McAwesome's by name. Mike's eyes narrowed.

"I can and will break your arms from this position, Amber."

"Fine," Amber said softly, getting to her feet and rubbing some feeling back into her arms, and staring at the tile floor. "I guess you're going, then, you got pretty much everybody in the sto-" Mike grabbed her again, and kissed her for the entire last minute of his shift.

"No, _now_ I got everybody in the store. Leave the door unlocked, I'll be home late."

He disappeared into the stockroom.

"Really a shame, though," Robin tsk'd. "He always said he wanted to die by dinosaur."

_"Up yours, Robin, I __**did**__ die by dinosaur!"_


End file.
